Baby Madness

It seems like everyone around us is having babies lately. I've lost track of how many Mysterio Predicts baby t-shirts we've bought. Life seems like an endless schedule of baby showers and visiting new parents.

I feel left out of all the fun. I thought we would be working on our second baby at this point in our lives. In some ways, it was a blessing that it did not work out for us earlier. Steph has a much better job now, a job that will allow her to be a more present parent. We've gotten to do a lot of traveling and camping, and our relationship has really deepened and been strengthened in these past few years. Still, there is sadness there, an emptiness. So we are back to trying to add a new family member and hopefully we will have a very happy announcement to share within the next year.

It's scary to think that the thing you want most in the world may not happen for you, or that it won't happen exactly the way you had envisioned for yourself. It's especially scary when that thing is something that you are supposed to be able to do, your biological imperative. I admit that I feel pangs of jealousy-- having a baby seems so easy for everyone else (and it probably isn't, but no one really likes to talk about those things), not to mention free.

For us, it's clinical. You pick out a donor based on limited amounts of information. The sperm comes on dry ice, shipped from California. You get inseminated in the doctor's office. Maybe your partner is there and maybe she isn't, depending on her schedule and when you ovulated that month. You sit on a hard doctor's table with your legs up in the air for 20 minutes. You pay your bill. You try not to think about how weird and other-worldly the whole process is for you. You go home and you wait. You fend off well-meaning comments from friends and family asking you why you aren't pregnant yet. So romantic.

I am happy for our friends though, don't get me wrong. It's wonderful to see them grow into parenthood and to watch little versions of them sprout up before your eyes.

Countdown to Sufjan concert: 29 hours! SQUEE! (if we have a boy, maybe we will name him Sufjan)

Currently listening to: Jonsi, "Around Us"